Monday, January 14th, 2013

Death just kills me

Death just slays me, always has and certainly will.
My sister -in-law died just today.
I have that heart heaviness that’s like carrying the dentist’s lead protection pad inside my chest.
She was 78 and was willing to go in order to die with as little agony from cancer as possible.  For her family mostly.
So the sorrow is immense.  She was my sister.
I’ve only been present at one death–my dad’s.

Here is what killed me:

How fast the he disappeared.
He was so ‘gone;  to—-surely somewhere.
Where did that personality go, that spirit, that unique sharply defined person?

How immediate the relief is.
Finally breathing out the held breath wondering if  your loved one will be able to make it?
The last letting go after the years when you begin to realize that death will take your mom and dad.
At last, the worst has happened.  It’s an odd accompianment to the loss.

How sweet and sharp the grief is —-at first.
How intimate the atmosphere, how barriers drop for the love.
How momentous even joyous.

How invidious and smooth the latter grief is.
How it enters and finds a home.  Makes itself comfortable
Until you are comfortable living with it for always.

Beyond the sorrow, death is bewildering.
Just kills me


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