Sunday, April 2nd, 2017

I AM A SAP—-

In about sixth grade, I discovered that magazines had ads in them and contests and if I responded, I got things back in the mail!!!  It thrilled me. American Girl, Boy’s Life (my brother’s magazines had the best stuff)
Seventeen, and all comic books. I applied to art school that had something to do with a matchbook cover.
I sent for a tiny sea horse–dead on arrival. I got the best ever Roy Rodgers ring that was a saddle and the saddle slid off to show a hiding place for messages. And then began, the deluge. I had mail everyday.
Even from Frederick’s of Hollywood. My dad and the mailman laughed together at that and I cried and my mom had a talk with my dad about sixth grade girl’s sensitivities!

OK.  First is there anyone out there that falls for the come-ons about health and beauty on the Internet or do I have to join a support group. Well, OK. Of course I want:

—a sample of Angelina Jolie’s face cream with all the ingredients that I put in a salad
—the one spice that will cure leaky gut–my kitchen is covered with turmeric!! It stains, people!
—the strange fruit that rebuilds your joints in a week–that you have to eat 40 of a day
—the three junk foods that give you perfect blood pressure—that I am happy to sell to you
—to have new clients by Friday —written on Thursday
—to activate the three centers of feminine power (If only Feminists hadn’t lost their sense of humor I could say something funny there)

To make it worse all of these ads come with an incredibly long video and a person who wants to change the world with their product while becoming very very rich. All have a sob story and all somehow involve avocados or coconut oil. AND–the kicker, they all come with a sample that leads to a monthly delivery of their oh so special product!!!

How do I know? Momentary boredom and curiosity made me click a few little tiny circles and stuff came in the mail. I have unclicked all but some red powder that keeps coming that would have made me lose years
with each Tablespoon, I think. Or it could be for clearing foggy brain. No, it was for memory enhancement. Not sure. Good thing I never tried it–all six jars and more to come unless I fine the unclick box.

You’ve never been a sap? It’s kind of fun. Stuff comes. It’s exciting. Too much comes. Then you cry.

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