Saturday, September 23rd, 2017
I HAVE SENIORITIS AS IN COLLEGE NOT AS IN CITIZEN
I’ve been trying to find the right word for a feeling tone I’m stuck in, not too dramatic or vivid and not to understated either. I think I’ve found it. I’m uneasy.
There’s plenty to be uneasy about. You must be too. We have major natural catstrophe’s that will dent the level of civilization, so many that world resources will be stretched thin. We have barbaric power struggles that can’t unhook because the parties don’t want to. We have wild west politics without restraint and quite frankly, often without a reference to law. We are unsettled as a globe.
Writing that has made my unease, uneasier because today mine is personal. I am off my perch with nowhere to land. I was noodling on this when I realized I am feeling alot like I did my Senior year in college. Something was coming to a definite end. Every event felt poignant and precious because it would never be again. I didn’t know where I would be living the following year–prettey good guesses but nothing solidified.(Turned out I would be in a thatched hut on stilts in the jungle) I was making decisions of great impact part of the time and letting things happen to me the rest of the time because I didn’t want to disrupt the present.
Well here I am in the same situation. My husband is 82. We live in a three story house with a big yard. I know we need to get ready to let it go–ust on the brink of thinking seriously about it. We live half the year in Mexico. Will that be where we end up? All of our spread out kids think they want us close, but that gets complicated real fast. My husband and I both have major writing projects that take up lots of our time with a bucket list that changes regularly.
I’m uneasy. I’m not heading into a big beginning.I know there is finite time. And it will end. I’m heading toward a big ending. I know (we all do at some level) that every day should be well chosen which only makes me hyper aware of any waste of time. I don’t like life to be so precious and fragile. I understand, now, the reaction my parents had in their eighties when i wanted to interview them on video about their lives. We would talk about it and even get the camera out to start and then we would start to laugh and be goofy and get bored and play Pinocle instead. Being too aware of life is a pain in the ass. Makes all of us uneasy. That’s why I’m heading to cook dinner for my granddaughter and her dad with a game of Sorry to follow. That’ll cure the “incredible lightness of being” that’s made me uneasy all day.