Friday, June 16th, 2017

I HAVE TWO DEAD BOYFRIENDS!!!

That’s a hell of a title, but that’s what came to me. Can’t control truth burps!

Two very important loves in my life are dead. Social media told me so.
I’m not new to people that I love dying. But most have been older than I am and
there was some getting used to the idea.  My mom and dad died 10 days apart so
that was unique and poignant and very very funny. (That’s for another burp)
I grieved proudly and formally for them. They deserved a little honoring grief.
And I have had three college friends die. Kind of weird and getting close to home.

But boyfriends aren’t supposed to die. They just aren’t. Nor age. Nor stop
loving me even if I stopped loving them first. It does help that I haven’t seen a picture of them
since we were in love.  I have seen some photos of other boyfriends and was surprised to see
they all looked like old men versions of themselves. I had to dig around in their faces for awhile to
get a glimmer of a Prom date.

This reminds me that I had a moment  of relief to know that my two dear guys
(one high school, one post divorce) would never see me and have to adjust their
idealized image of me to current reality. Vanity eventually gets humbled. Why hurry?
My eighty-three old husband still gets phone calls from former girl friends who he is shocked
to realize are also eighty-three!!

My high school love was a kind of torment. I was crazy about him. I have to admit I liked the Adrenalin of
deciding what to where each day and how to manage to walk by him at his locker at just the right time.
And dancing the last dance together. (Yes, it mattered. I feel sorry for any of you that haven’t experienced the last dance and its meaning), We were off and on but never not connected from sixth grade through the first year in college. I ended it. I fell in love with the freedom of dating lots of guys with no anguish or love involved–just fun and dancing! New love every semester.

My post divorce guy was in the Peace Corp with me and my husband at the time. He heard I was divorced and called me and said, “At last, I can let you know I love  you.”  It was nice to hear. He was fun and funny and generous and loved my kids and lived in Connecticut while I was living in Illinois.We sailed his boat and partied and had a few visits of  crazy in love times and one 600 dollar phone bill which was monumental then and I cried to the phone company and got them to accept 25 dollars a month.  Distance finally killed this love as I began to date back in Illinois where I lived.

So RIP dear Jim and Billy Bell. I am right. Past loves aren’t supposed to die and they don’t.

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